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A Personal Journey: Why I’m Embracing Zionism

Источник: https://tommytrouble.substack.com/p/a-personal-journey-why-im-embracing

Friends, comrades, fellow travelers on the path of righteousness—I have an announcement to make. After years of chanting, protesting, and posting infographics about settler colonialism, I’ve had a revelation. A profound, earth-shattering, paradigm-shifting epiphany, brought to me by a particularly well-targeted ad on social media and a 3-minute YouTube video titled “The TRUTH About Israel They Don’t Want You To Know.” Don’t you just love clickbait! Truth in all caps, the ever sinister “they”, it just warms my heart.

I get it now. I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

My journey began when I finally understood that the Jewish people are, in fact, indigenous to the land—of Poland and Ukraine sure but…details details. I know, I know, it’s shocking. All this time I thought “indigenous” was just a fancy word for “people who were there before Europeans showed up,” but it turns out it’s much more flexible. The key is having a fuck-ton of money and a really, really old, mystical book that says you’re from somewhere. Checkmate, resistance!

Donate here because now I should get some money for my thoughts because they are the correct thoughts, right?

I also had to confront the uncomfortable truth that Zionism isn’t racism—it’s simply the right to self-determination for a particular race of people. It’s about time! I feel so foolish for not realizing that the only way to achieve self-determination for one group of people is to build a state on the land of another group of people and then manage them with varying degrees of military control. It’s just common sense, really. My previous stance was so complicated and nuanced. This is much simpler. Nuance is for suckers, I just want spoon-fed ideology. Thinking is super tiring.

And the moral clarity! Wow. For years, I was blinded by reports of demolished homes, false flags, administrative detentions, and settler violence. But now I see it for what it is: robust neighborhood planning, pre-trial detention for suspicious individuals, and enthusiastic civilians expressing their property rights. You gotta crack a few eggs, right? Or heads. Israel is the “only democracy in the Middle East,” which is a very high bar to clear and definitely not a phrase that requires any critical examination of what that democracy looks like on the ground for everyone living under its rule.

My biggest breakthrough was understanding the “disproportionate response” argument. I used to think, “Hey, maybe firing small homemade rockets at civilian population centers is bad, but leveling entire city blocks in response seems a bit... much?” Silly me! It’s not about proportion; it’s about sending a message. It’s the geopolitical equivalent of responding to someone keying your car by firebombing their entire apartment complex. It just makes good strategic sense. Nevermind that our guys were the ones ostensibly paying for that resistance group that was firing the rockets. Sorry, terrorist group…still getting used to the tricky narrative framing game. Anyway, it’s 4D chess that my little gentile mind couldn’t hope to understand.

I’m especially excited about the economic opportunities. I’ve already downloaded the app to invest in start-ups that are making the desert bloom with technology that can monitor every single person in a 50-mile radius. It’s not Orwellian surveillance; it’s smart agriculture! I’m also looking forward to my first “Birthright” trip, where I’ll get to see the holy sites and learn how a 2,000-year-old land claim conveniently trumps the rights of people who have been living there for a hundred generations. Maybe I’ll even take a DNA test while I’m there to see if I hold any genetic lineage to the area! I’ll need a court order to do so…but hey it’ll be worth it. Maybe if I throat hug my new overlords enough they will give me a 5% discount on a new seaside studio apartment. Talk about skeletons in the closet! My flat will have them in the car park, the storage space, the foundation…it’ll be a bone-a-fide ossuary with cable TV and high speed internet.

You can also donate here so Peter Thiel gets his cut.

So, as of today, I’m hanging up my keffiyeh and picking up a blue and white flag with that gorgeous Star of Remphan— errr umm I mean, David. I’m still getting used to the new vernacular. I’m trading my chants of “From the river to the sea” for a more nuanced understanding of how that phrase is actually a genocidal threat when they say it, but a beautiful, aspirational vision of security and prosperity when we say it. It’s one of those phrases whose meaning changes based on whether you put a little stank on it or if you sort of say it all sing-songy. Good luck to the AI spy-bots decoding that little puzzle.

I know some of you will call this satire. You’ll say, “But bro, it’s April 1st!” You’ll point out that I’ve suddenly adopted every single talking point from a well-funded PR campaign. “Dude, you sound like an absolutely amoral, retarded turd!” To that, I say: I’ve finally woken up to the simple, elegant, and admittedly very flexible truth that was in front of me all along?

From now on, my resistance is over. My moral clarity has arrived via paid X ‘influencers’. And let me tell you, it feels great to be on the right side of history for a change. The far right…get it? It’s so much less work. Now I can get back to the important things in life, like 7K Shekel posting, scrolling OnlyFans, and fapping to one of the hundreds of porn sites owned by my new brethren.

Happy April Fools’ Day.

Free Palestine and the world from this diabolical tyranny. And don’t forget to laugh a bit at the absurdity of these lunatics. They are losing the fight and they are flailing. Don’t become them, remember to love for the sake of love.

God is great!